it's a brush fire

my day was low key. had a visitor and hung around my house all day. Lacey came and got me at 6 and we went out. my mom was suspicious because I haven't hung out with her in so long. my mom thought I was lying about where I was going and what I was actually doing, which was going to the mall and going with her to babysit. she made me come home and shit. then my mom talked to Lacey and said where she was babysitting and my mom let me go. strange. maybe my mom was worried because she smelled cigarettes on me. I don't know. it was weird.


every part of me wants to get up and leave this place. I don't feel right anymore. I feel like a totally different person. I mean, I don't know, I just don't feel like myself. maybe I'm overreacting but honestly, I don't feel like myself. I just feel really down all the time and I have no idea why. maybe it's the thought of me moving in a month or the thought of me starting a whole new life where I make new friends and new memories. I honestly have no idea. I DO know that I hate feeling like this. this isn't me at all. bleh.


time to go read some more of my book and drift off to sleep

figure eights

I don't really know how I feel right now. Everything isn't quite making sense. I think I was better not know anything about my parents and what was going on in my family. I was so happy 2 years ago, I had everything figured out and I have a set plan and all that stuff, but then, of course, bad things happen. After 25 years of marriage my parents decided to get a divorce. My mom told me 2 weeks before I was to go to Haiti for a 10 day mission trip. After she told us she went to Nebraska to bring my grandma back home, and my father was not home at the time. She told me, my brother Chris, and my brother Ben; the other two were gone. I mean, sure, divorce happens, but you would think a 25 year marriage would last forever right?...wrong. sure shit happens, but this was the worst thing that could EVER happen in my life. This was last summer, and the rest of the year was kind of a blur. I went to school, I went to work, and I volunteered at the music venue I worked at. But throughtout the year I just kind of kept to myself, didn't really do much, and people wondered about me. I tried to put on a good face and tried acting like nothing was effecting me, but then, my dad moved out. Everything just went from worse, to fucking WORSE! but it was okay, b/c he lived close by and he basically lived at my house except he didn't live there. Maybe I should stop here and say that I was extremely close to my father. He taught me everything about football, cars, dragracing, and all that stuff. He was my hero and I couldn't see me loving anyone else as much as I loved him, so you can understand how hard this was for me. Around the time I was to graduated from high school my dad got a job offer from a company in upstate Pennsylvania. and he took it. he moved 3 weeks before I was to graduate. I did some stupid stuff to try to forget about what had happened and I regret everything. Graduation was hell, and I felt tension beyond belief. I wondered if my dad had found out about what I had done but I didn't know. Come to find out my own brother Chris ratted me out to him, so when my dad came to visit a few weeks later, he took me out to dinner and I was fully ready to tell my dad what I had done, but I didn't know that he already knew. I saw tears in his eyes and I was chocking up and I was at loss for words. we fast forward to summer. I work and that's it. I did nothing except work, hang out now and then, and smoke cigarettes. August, college, a new start, more working, finally get my license. Dad came to visit once. the divorce is official. I'm contemplating whether or not to go to Ozark where two of my brothers go to school or to go to Daytona Beach College and do photography. I buy a really expensive camera, end up regretting it. I don't miss my dad, I don't care for my father, not anymore. Courtney is now my best friend and all my free time is devoted to her. I work, go to school, hang out at the venue, drink lots of coffee, take pictures, and just kind of zone out. I decided to finally devote myself to making myself go to Ozark. end of October Josh Small asks me out, and I say yes. November, Obama is the president, dad doesn't call much, I'll text him during football games, I miss him more than anything in the world. Courtney is still and will always be my best friend. I'm selling that expensive camera I bought. bleh, nothing knew. sorry this was so long. I feel so sad right now =/

this is new

I figured I'd start blogging like I use to in the old days